


One Way or Another

by Roucarnage



Category: Naruto
Genre: AU, Crack Pairings, Creampie, Doggy Style, F/M, Genderbending, Headcanon, Lemon, Masturbation, NSFW, One Shot, PWP, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rare Pairings, Smut, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:22:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24595978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roucarnage/pseuds/Roucarnage
Summary: Hidan’s scrupulous religion leaves Kakuzu sexually frustrated and he ends up finding companionship in the last person he expected.
Relationships: Kakuzu/fem!Deidara
Kudos: 30





	One Way or Another

**Author's Note:**

> This has to be the crackiest pairing I've done, and I'm not including Zet/Dei because that is my OTP, lol. I kinda like the idea of Kaku/Dei and need to think of more smut plots for them.

Never in his partnership with Hidan, did he expect it to be physical.

So, he be damned when Hidan came to him one day with the suggestion of the partnership having “benefits”. Kakuzu may be old, but he wasn’t dead and Hidan was attractive—for an empty-headed albino overdue for a dental appointment and who fetishized her imaginary friend. Plus, he hadn’t had a fuck in literal decades, so he agreed. He soon learned that his definition of “partners with benefits” and her definition were so far apart they weren’t even in the same dictionary or library.

In the beginning, he thought her just hesitant virgin which explained why she backed out after a little bit of necking and grabbing. It was bearable the first, maybe the second time, but after the third, and then the fourth, it wasn’t anymore.

It was this night that Kakuzu decided he wasn’t going to let her leave him worse off than when they started.

Like she had done beforehand, Hidan was the one to instigate it, gifting Kakuzu a sashay of her ass and spacious grin before pushing herself into his lap, casting his checkbook off his desk. She tug down his mask, freckling butterfly kisses and nibbles on his stitches, despite knowing he hated that, until finally kissing him. As much as he disliked kissing, he kissed her back. Afterall, you couldn’t get third base without passing first base.

However, a few minutes into the makeout session and Kakuzu felt Hidan beginning to squirm, the telltale she was going to scamper. So, he aggressively grappled her so she couldn’t leave him, bruising his fingerprints into the skin of her pelvis and kissed her harder in the process. Hidan placed her hands on his arms and pushed herself backwards from him while chuckling anxiously, face flushed.

“Ok, ok. I’m done.”

“I’m not.” Kakuzu snarled, pulling her back towards him and snapping teeth at her bottom lip, splitting it and drawing blood.

“Bitch, I am!” She placed a hand over his face and pushed his head back.

Snatching it, he crushed her hand until cracking bone could be heard and pale skin was blackened. “I’m fed up with you and your fucking teasing!”

“Teasin’? Whose teasin’? I ain’t fuckin’ teasin’!”

“Yes, yes you are!”

“No, I ain’t! We just makin’ out! Whatchu so mad fer?”

“Because it’s always only making out!” He barked, wrenching the woman towards him by her blemishing arm. 

“Tch, whatelse you expect? A fuck? I can’t fuck ya!” Immediately, it felt like the oxygen had been sucked out of the room and Hidan realized the only person she had fucked was herself. 

Kakuzu’s tanned face darkened, emphasized by the fracturing of his partner’s arm. “ _What?_ ”

“S-So like, ‘cause of Jashin, the only pleasure I can experience is through my pain er the pain of others, so…I can’t fuck er nothin’. I can’t even masturbate!” Hidan spewed her explanation while cackling. “But I can like, kiss an’ cuddle an’ stuff an’ that’s wut I wanted to do with ya!” Kakuzu, however, was not amused.

Turns out, she didn’t want a fuck buddy, as much as a cuddle buddy. He felt like he had had ice cold water dumped on him and it confirmed the fact he was given a new cause to hate Jashinism every day. Never in his partnership with Hidan, did he expect it to be physical and he was correct.

“So, you’re a tease.”

“No! I ain’t never promised you nuthin’. You expected sex outta me! Ya know wut they say ‘bout expectin’. Err…er is that assumin’?”

Kakuzu didn’t correct her. Instead, he pushed herself up from his chair, causing Hidan to tumble backwards, her head cracking on his desk and adding to her collection of broken bones. As she laid crumpled on the floor, moaning and bitching, he left the bedroom before he painted the walls in her blood and sewed her internal organs into new coin purses.

He ended up in the kitchen and decided to cool down with a hot cup of tea. He rummaged through the cabinets for the necessary components, banging pots and pans in his frustration, uncaring if he disturbed his slumping colleagues in the process. After finding a tea kennel and filled it with water then slammed it onto the stovetop, cranking up the heat then impatiently waited for it to warm up while gaging which would make it bubble first, the flame or the pure heat from his glare. A minute in, his competition was interrupted by an unintentionally loud gasp.

Kakuzu glanced over to find Deidara standing in the entryway, fidgeting with her ears to turn on the hearing devices tucked inside as she had them switched off, obviously not expecting anyone to be present in the kitchen considering it was midnight.

“Kakuzu, what’re you doing here, hn?” She asked him once she was capable of hearing again.

“I could ask you the same.” He countered, eyeballing her as she was dressed down in her uniform fishnet and underwear, leaving little to imagination.

She noticed his gaze and tugged down her shirt in a lame attempt to drape herself. “I…I couldn’t sleep so I was going to make myself tea, hn.”

“What a coincidence, so am I. Sit down and I’ll make you a cup. You said you can’t sleep? I’ll make you chamomile.” He jabbed his thumb over his shoulder, making it clear it was a demand rather than an invitation.

As much as Deidara wanted to politely deny his offer, instead coming back later to make it herself, she decided against it because it would be a waste to do it over again, that and she was too hen hearted to say no to Kakuzu. It was Kakuzu. So, she obliged, seating herself at the island and staying. It wasn’t hard for her to notice his exasperation by arms crossed and tapping foot which made her shuffle uncomfortably in her chair.

After a couple seconds, Deidara couldn’t take tense silence, being a person for conversation, so she peeped up. “So…Hidan fucked up again, hn?”

Kakuzu turned his head in the blonde’s direction, the cartilage in his neck cracking like a gunshot in the mute and causing her to flinch. “When isn’t she?”

“Oh yeah, she’s a bitch, isn’t she, hn? Sasori was like that too.” Welp, she just succeeded in depressing herself at mention of her freshly deceased partner and she hushed down, staring at the granite counter and thumbing the hem of her fishnet.

A second later, the tea kettle whistled and Kakuzu picked it off the heater. He made up two cups, one chamomile, and handed it to Deidara. She thanked him and made the motion to clamber off the seat to take her leave since she wasn’t indulgent on the idea of chatting with the banker over tea, but didn’t have the chance when it was Kakuzu that spoke up this time.

“Has Pein found a new partner for you yet? Or are you stuck with Zetsu babysitting you?” He inquired, leaning over the other side of the isle and sampling his tea.

She sat back down, fumbling with her mug. “Hmm? Oh no, no. He, uhh…he said I won’t be getting a partner, hn.”

“Why not?”

“Because if I get a new partner, I’ll be the senior of the partnership and he doesn’t think I have the experience or the leadership skills, hn!”

“That’s bullshit.”

“It is!” She fumed; cheeks puffed out. “It isn’t like I _need_ a partner to do missions, I just…I don’t know, I like having a partner, hn? It’s stupid but…I miss Sasori, even our relationship was as bad as your partnership with Hidan.”

He let out a beguiled snort. “In that case, if you want Hidan as your partner, you can have her.”

“Err, no thanks. Just being friends with her is exhausting enough, hn.”

“I don’t blame you. She’s useless. Can’t even fuck her.” Deidara gagged on her swallow of tea and wheezed, punching herself in the chest. “Oh, you didn’t know? Due to her little imaginary god, she can’t ‘experience pleasure’ and other bullshit like that.”

The female cleared her burning lungs. “N-No, I didn’t know, hn. She, err…she never told me that.”

“Yeah, so for the last few weeks, she’s been fucking blue-balling me.”

Too much information, but Deidara could now understand why Kakuzu was so upset tonight. In fact, she had personal experience with this exact scenario. “I understand.” Kakuzu cast her a look she interpreted as a glare and scrambled to explain herself. “I-I mean, I understand what you’re talking about because…well, Sasori did it to me too.”

Kakuzu piqued an eyebrow at her. “Sasori?” She nodded, flustered to have shared such a fact, and to Kakuzu of all people. Hidan and Itachi, her two best friends in the organization didn’t even know it. “I didn’t think you had a thing for him since, like you said, you two didn’t have the happiest partnership. That, and Sasori was a bastard.”

She cackled gawkily, tangling her finger in her blonde strands. “Yeah, well. Maybe it was teenage hormones, but I did like him, not just as an artist but a person too, and…he was sexy, ok?”

Kakuzu snorted, sipping his warm beverage. “Ok.”

Staring elsewhere, she tried and failed to camouflage her blushing cheek behind her golden fringe while rapping her nails on her cup. “Yeah, so I tried to get him interested back, hn. I flirted with him, I dressed up for him, I even complimented his ugly puppets but nothing! I tried for _years_. So, I can understand what you’re saying. It’s frustrating, hn.”

A pregnant silence fell over them and Deidara took to sucking down what was left of her tea so she could excuse herself back to her bedroom before she embarrassed herself anymore.

“Maybe we should do something about it then.” Kakuzu then muttered, all of a sudden.

Deidara stared at him. “What do you mean, hn?”

He gave her a look over his mug. “You know exactly what I mean.”

Yes, she knew exactly what he was talking about and felt her face bleach as the blood emptied from it. “O-Oh, no no no!” She sputtered out, shaking her hands in defense.

“Hmph, why not? You yourself said you’re frustrated like I am. Is it because I’m not ‘sexy’ like Sasori?”

“What? N-No, it isn’t like that, hn! It’s just…”

“Then what is it?” Kakuzu interrogated her and Deidara felt herself being backed into a corner.

“I-It’s because…it’s because, I don’t know, I don’t like you that way, hn?”

“Hmph, don’t have to like someone to fuck them. Hidan is a perfect example of that. Was just giving you the chance to get your cherry popped.” He gulped down the last of his tea and pushed himself up from the island to leave.

As he did, Deidara realized this may be the only chance she’d ever get to get her “cherry popped”, as Kakuzu eloquently put it. She wasn’t getting a partner, at least not anytime soon, so what other choice did she have? Even if it was with Kakuzu. 

“Wait!” Kakuzu paused, having just stepped out of the dining area and glanced over at the teenager who looked utterly defeated. “I…your room or mine, hn?” She asked quietly.

“Yours.” He snapped his fingers at her to hurry her up.

She drank the last droplets of tea before stalking over to the large man to lead him to her bedroom, head down. Thankfully, no one else was out to see them. Once in her bedroom, Deidara made a point of latching her door, as if expecting to be walked in on. Kakuzu then proceeded to grab her and she yelped as she was pushed facedown onto her bed, bent painfully over the footboard with legs dangling.

“W-Wait!” She gasped out, trying to crawl out from under the man’s heavyset frame.

“I’ve done my waiting.” He snarled in her ear, pressing her down into the mattress with his mass. Weeks of waiting, to be exact. 

She tried objecting again, but what left was a fractured gasp as she felt him fidgeting with her underwear. He pulled them to a side and learned of her dryness through an inspection of her sex with his finger, earning a second gasp from his female companion. While he himself was hard and ready to go, he didn’t want to penetrate her if she wasn’t ready as it would be doing neither one of them any favours. That, it would be rape and this sequence of events was already feeling rape-like with the “influence” it had taken to get the girl here in the first place. So, just this once, Kakuzu was going to be generous and “let” her prepare herself.

“Touch yourself.”

“H-Huh?”

“You’re dry.” He explained. “You’ve got two extra fucking mouths, use them.”

As much as Deidara wanted to argue and say she didn’t use her handmouths for such dirty things—a lie—she wasn’t exactly in the best position to backtalk. Kakuzu pushed himself off her, enabling her to bend her arm back and push her hand between her legs. Her handmouth wagged its tongue, grinning and salivating, and she shuttered, burying her face in her blanket to muffle a gasp as her hand eagerly lapped at her womanhood like it had a hundred times before. Kakuzu sat back further just to watch the one and only spectacle of a woman successfully eating herself out. He helped out too, if just by clasping her arm and keeping her hand located so she didn’t try and end the interesting show too soon. It didn’t take long until she was wet, both by the saliva of her extra mouth and natural lubrication, and sensitive.

Kakuzu let go of her arm which he had left bruised from his grasp and went for his pants. Deidara grimaced as the telltale noise of a zipper being undone. The next second, she felt it. It was big—huge—and burning hot and—it wasn’t going to fit, no way, no how. She was too small, and he was too large. He was going to break her in half—and that’s exactly what happened. With no warning given, Kakuzu plunged into her, burying every rock-hard inch of his himself inside her and grunted as her delicious, virgin muscles clamped down on him. The pain for her, however, was instant.

Deidara screamed into the bedspread, the blanket muting it, and fisted handfuls of covering that her handmouths chewed into it. She wasn’t given the chance to accustom herself to him either as the elder braced his hands on the mattress besides her head and thrusted up into her, pushing her pelvis into the wooden frame which acted like a crutch to grant him ridiculously deep penetration. Every thrust into her, expelling the oxygen from her lungs and she picked her face up from the bed so not to suffocate herself.

“Hard…too hard!” She gasped out with what little breath she had between thrusts, gaping like a fish.

“You’ll get used to it.” Kakuzu dismissed her, head hung, and eyes shut.

He didn’t want to hurt her too much, so he gathered one of her legs and rested it, bent, on the frame, stretching herself out and giving him a new angle to push into her. It helped—a lot—as the new arrangement had her clitoris pleasantly brushing against the wood and mitigated the tightness of her muscles. She moaned quietly, rubbing her cheek against the blanket, and she humped the bedframe to pleasure herself. Doing so caused her to rub herself on Kakuzu and misinterpreting this as enthusiasm, he hammered into her harder. He leant over her, one hand burrowing into the mattress while he planted his other hand on her knee, threatening to shatter it as he pushed down onto it.

After a while, the pain plaguing her faded and, in its place, pleasure. There was the warm fuzziness in her belly, signifying the presence of an orgasm, weak but there. She wanted to chase the feeling and reached back to play with herself again. However, Kakuzu caught her meandering hand and leashed it over her head on the mattress with his own. In the process of hunching over her, the head of his erection pushing into something inside, something very deep and very pleasurable. She belted out an unexpected moan and pushed back against him, desperate to duplicate it. The senior caught onto what she was trying to do and snapped his hips into her, clubbing the spot again and Deidara let out a bellowed moan.

He chuckled, smirking. “There?”

“Y-Yes! There…there!” She babbled, bobbing backwards on his cock like an expert pornstar. 

Leaning back, he was going to indulge her demands and laid his hands on her thighs to get the best handle before ramming into her, all while battering her pleasure spot. Deidara managed to snatch up one of her pillows and yelled into it. The pleasure was white-hot, better than anything she had ever experienced, especially better than her hands and despite having never succeeding to sleep with him, something told her that was way better than how Sasori would’ve made her feel. Her comprehension skills were failing her but all she could think that Hidan had _no idea_ what she was missing out on and Deidara would be more than happy to tell her.

The blonde screamed and cried, thrashing and contorting as wave after wave of ecstasy washed over her, blonde hair flying and pale skin gleaming with sweat. That hint of a climax no longer a mummer but a blare as lava bubbled in her gut and circulated through her veins to every inch of her. Oh, she was going to cum and it wasn’t going to be a whisper, it was going to be a bang.

She lifted her blood red face from the once white pillow that was left wet and dirtied from her drool and tears. “I’m cumming…I’m cumming, hn!” Kakuzu heard her and just grunted his understanding.

She didn’t have to tell him though as he felt her wet walls, quavering and squeezing him to the point he himself felt close too. No way he was going to cum until after she did, though.

Thankfully, it wasn’t a long delay though just seconds later, the girl’s cerulean orbs bugged and she pushed her face back into the pillow, hugging it for dear life as she finished with a scream that would’ve awakened the whole damn organization. Her male companion of the night held onto the teenager’s shaking legs and fucked her through her first and then immediately after second orgasm until finding his own. Shuddering, he pushed into her as deep as he could and let out a drawn-out sigh through his face mask as he pumped her full. Deidara shivered as she experienced her consecutive third and last orgasm by the harsh pulsations of his manhood cumming inside her.

After taking a moment to catch his breath, Kakuzu stepped back to pull out but found that was easier said than done as her tight muscles were clasped onto his flaccid member. A few tugs later, and he liberated himself with a wet popping that echoed too loud in the quiet bedroom, followed by the splashing of his seed gushing from the blonde and streaking down the footrest onto the carpet below. Hidan obviously had him a lot more pent up than he thought.

He spared a charitable glance at Deidara if it wasn’t for the exaggerated inhales of her chest, he might’ve thought he killed her with how hard she came each and every time. Leaning over, he grabbed a handful of her golden locks and used them to raise her head up to check if she was conscious or if the chamomile tea had kicked in. She was, as her blue eyes imbued with red rolled open and looked at him through dark, sleep deprived lids.

“You ok?” He asked to which she weakly nodded before letting her head fall back onto the mattress as he let go of her hair. “Good, because you’ve got five minutes until I’m hard again.”

“W-What? But I don’t think I…I can’t…”

“You don’t have to do anything. Just lay there and let me fuck you, got it?”

“I-I—”

“ _Got. It?”_

“O-Ok.”

Nevermind, maybe Hidan did have an idea of what she was missing.


End file.
